Excuses, Excuses

Lloyd Cole--"My Other Life" (mp3)

Human history, great and small, international and local, is littered with excuses and equivocations for aberrant behavior. It seems that the basic human instinct is not to own up immediately to one's own folly. No, instead, we must try to explain away, weasel out of, outright lie. Anything but the cold, hard truth.

Camus' existentialist character Mersault shoots an Arab because the sun was in his eyes. My friend who kept us waiting in Washington, D.C. for two hours claimed "I was where I said I'd be when I said I'd be there" even though he wasn't, which we know since we drove past that spot a dozen or more times. Presidents blame their predecessors. Gay conservative senators blame alcohol or misinterpreted bathroom gestures. Distracted male bank employees blame the way a woman's clothes fit her body for their distraction. Sinners blame the Devil.

Woulda. Coulda. Shoulda. Or, better yet, shouldn'tna.

But today's paper, the sports section, in fact, offers one of the best excuses I have ever heard. No, it doesn't involve a performance on the playing field. More likely, it involves a different kind of performance and a different kind of playing.

Here's the scenario: The University of Georgia's AD has been forced out due to his actions last week when he was arrested for a DUI in Atlanta. DUI's are bad business, but people seem to be able to get past them, to "fess up" and seek to change the behavior that was involved in getting that DUI. So there would have to be more than that, wouldn't there?

Yes, and here's where it gets good and relevant to our discussion. The AD, a married father of two children, was not alone when he was arrested. No, in fact, he, age 40, was with a woman 12 years his junior. Now, this is a country where you are innocent until proven guilty, so the fact that he was with a younger woman not his wife isn't a death blow either.

But, when the police arrested him, they noticed that her red panties were in his lap. Well, c'mon, who hasn't? Anyone? But the poor AD was apparently asked what they were doing there. His excuse, which I am entering immediately into the annals of Great Excuses Of All Time, went as follows: "She took them off and I held them because I was just trying to get her home."

I repeat: "She took them off and I held them because I was just trying to get her home." Now, I don't know much about the law or about working for universities, but if I tried that one on my wife, she would cut my nuts off.

Note to Any Male: if you are ever trying to come up with an excuse for anything questionable, the Good Samaritan Defense is not the way you want to go. Especially if panties are involved. I mean, you can pick up a stray dog and try to find its owner, you can buy a female business associate a beer, you can even give the babysitter a ride home, but at the point where you try to present yourself as the shepherd of another woman's panties, you are in the deepest of shits. These panties had gotten separated from their owner, honey, and I just wanted to make sure that they got home with their rightful owner. Good luck with that one.

The typical female (or, let's face it, male) mind is going to immediately begin supplying backstories as to how those panties got so far afield. While I wouldn't dare speculate on what another mind might conjecture, in the spirit of a balanced discussion of the AD's situation, I offer the following possibilities:

THEORY 1: "It's hot in here, do you mind if I take my panties off while you drive me home?"

THEORY 2: "I think it's healthy just to air things out, don't you?""

THEORY 3: "I'm drunk and I appreciate your driving me home. My red panties are my most valuable possession. Would it be okay if I entrust them to your care? Otherwise, I'm afraid I might lose them."

But that, I'm afraid, is what gets me back to where I was at the start. Why offer an excuse at all? A woman's panties are in your lap. The cops are going to record the narrative of the arrest. If you don't say anything, what you don't say will not appear in their narrative. If you must respond, why not take full responsibility? "Oh, these old things, officer? These are mine."

It's not like the police are going to question your companion. "Ma'am, have you been wearing panties tonight? Ma'am, we really need to know. Please step out of the car while I submit you to our Comanche test."

So, take full responsibility for whatever it is that you have done, and, however embarrassing, claim that whatever is there is yours. You might get an odd look or two, but perhaps the police will respect your candor.

What the Georgia A.D. figured out after the fact, at his news conference, is that his actions were problematic: "If I bring too much shame and embarrassment to this institution, then there is no telling what may happen."

Yes, there is, pal. You'll be toast.