21 Things I Want in a Lover - Alanis Morrissette (mp3)
My goal -- and I think I managed it -- was to be amusing and honest, yet also make sure I wrote nothing that could get me fired.
(I have 26 because, gosh darn it, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and people like me.)
1. I smile -- without a hint of irony -- everytime I hear "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves.
2. The only two times in my life I tried smoking an entire cigarette, I puked. (Apparently I thought the first time might have been a fluke.)
4. I'm so jealous of his skills as a writer, I would have Richard Russo's babies. If I could have babies. And if he would take me as his bride. And love me, truly love me, for more than just my looks.
5. Feet? Don't like 'em. Don't find 'em attractive or appealing. Everything below the ankle is pretty icky.
6. Facebook status updates are little rays of sunshine in my life. The more they raise my eyebrow, the happier they make me.
7. Olivia Newton-John was, is, and might well always be my biggest celebrity crush.
8. In third grade, a neighborhood friend and I, on several occasions, played a game where we tossed actual darts at one another.
9. World Class Chocolate. Gold Medal Ribbon. Cherry Garcia. Nothing else counts.
10. If you're underage on the beach and drinking beer, and a police officer asks you what you're drinking, don't tell him "Mello Yello." They don't like that.
11. I once ran around an outdoor basketball court covered in toilet paper that was on fire.
12. I've only locked my keys in the car three times. All three times, the engine was running.
13. Over Easter Break 1991, I adopted a dead jellyfish as a pet. I named him George. He smelled really bad. George was not nearly as successful for impressing the ladies as Drakkar Noir.
14. Cereal is the best dessert. Particularly Boo-Berry or Crispix.
15. Every girl I ever dated but one (no, the list isn't terribly long) went out with at least one other friend of mine after we broke up.
16. I once hooked up with a girl inside a pitch-black tunnel, except when we emerged into the light, it was a different girl than the one with whom I thought I was hooking up. "Awkward Turtle!"
17. UNC's Chancellor sent me a personal note saying my columns made his day brighter.18. Living in Warner Robins, Ga., made me appreciate every other place on this planet just a little bit more.
19. When I asked Jenni to marry me, I went into her bookstore in the mall dressed like Barney. By the time I entered the bookstore, I had a small army of children trailing me. It kinda freaked 'em out when I got on one knee. Apparently dinosaur-human intimacy made them uncomfortable.
20. I once commandeered a security guard's golf cart while camping out for Dook tickets at the Dean Dome. We returned it. Eventually.
21. Me, on stage at Cat's Meow on Bourbon Street, the mic in one hand and a Hand Grenade in the other, singing my heart out to some crap like "Little Red Corvette": That's my idea of true (if temporary) bliss.
22. I have become incredibly lactose intolerant in the last five years, and this single change in me has made me a more bitter and angry human being. (See #s 9, 14)
23. When I was 10, I stopped on my bike so quickly that I fell forward and my crotch rolled through the frame's front wheel fork, requiring stitches so close to my personal bits that not even Kim Catrall has had a Brazilian Wax job this personal. I think all relationship problems I've ever had can be traced back to this traumatic moment.
24. I dressed as a woman for Halloween in 1991, and when my girlfriend saw me and realized who it was, she threw up violently. We broke up a week later. But we're still friends!!
25. Nothing in my life is guaranteed to make me more consistently happy than the feeling of two excited daughters rushing to hug their daddy when he comes home from work.
26. I've spent half my life trying to prove Ronald McDonald is the Anti-Christ.
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