FROM THE ARCHIVES: The Trouble I Seen

The following was originally posted on February 19, 2009.


Fall on Tears - Love Spit Love
King of Pain (live) - Alanis Morrissette

Random things I've recently witnessed and can't shake:

A spider was spinning its web between two of my office chairs the other morning during a meeting. A co-worker bent down, pulled the spider up by its thread, and dangled it for everyone to see. Then he took that spider, placed it in a corner, and let it crawl away. I would have just stepped on it. My choice would likely have gone unchallenged, and no one would have been too upset with me. Just a damn spider, after all. But my co-worker's actions inspired us all to pause and consider what he'd just done. Mercy is a quiet but powerful force.

A bulldozer spent the weekend leveling an area across the street from us. It would scoop up dirt, drive up the hill, and dump it onto a mud pile. Several times it scooped up some plastic tarp that had been laid out. At one point, the dozer dumped out the dirt, but the tarp wouldn't come off. It had just barely wrapped itself around one of the teeth, and most of it was dangling on the earth pile. The dozer's driver was shaking that blade up and down, back and forth, but the tarp wouldn't come off. At some point, I expected him to step down and pull it off with his hands, but he never did. He just kept jostling that blade for several minutes. Finally, he backed up and then drove the blade right into the dirt mount with speed that suggested tremendous frustration. When he backed up a second time, the tarp was gone, buried underneath the pile. Even with our biggest and strongest technologies, we still get caught up on tiny distractions.

A squirrel failed to properly latch on during what looked to be a routine tree-to-tree jump outside our house. It fell some 30 feet, thudding onto our back yard. It stopped for only a second, perhaps to catch its breath or make sure all its body parts were in tact, before running like hell back up the same tree out of which it had just fallen. Even squirrels must believe the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.

At the casino last week, I entered the restroom to attend to personal matters only to open a stall door and see a large pile of pudding-esque shit on the tiles two feet before the toilet. As my eyes scrolled up to the toilet, I saw that the guilty party had removed his underwear and simply dropped that soiled item into the water. Some elderly man must have held on a few seconds too long, perhaps for one extra spin on the slots, and failed to make it in time. He chose to go commando rather than try and find some other way out of that bathroom with any of his dignity in tact. Acceptable loss. Collateral damage unavoidable.

On our drive home, on the side of Alabama Highway 27, a mangy dog gave one last try at standing up. It had been hit, and fairly recently. Although there was no blood, the back half of its body had clearly been crushed by the impact. None of us had a way of putting it down, and it would never have made it to a vet, so we kept driving. I looked back to see the tan, short-haired dog -- must've been part Boxer, maybe part Lab -- merely lay down on its side and put its face down onto the cold gravel. I kept staring back at him until we went over a hill, but he never moved again. Watching a creature suffer prior to an inevitable death is always more agonizing than seeing it already dead, even if we have no control over either situation and exist only to serve as a witness. Yet, if given the choice, we would always want to be with our loved ones in their final moments.

Driving the four blocks from home to work and going slowly over a speed hump, I passed a Barbie doll, completely undressed, sprawled out on the curbside, inches from the road. Her hair was tangled and wild. One of her shoes had fallen into the road. Otherwise no clothes were around. The life of a homicide detective must be like placing your heart in battery acid.

"Fall on Tears," one of my favorite songs from the '90s, is from Trysome Eatone. Alanis' version of "King of Pain," which is certainly not as good as the original but not at all bad, is from her MTV Unplugged album. Both can be found on iTunes or Amazon.com's mp3 site.

My Facebook Random 25 Facts (a.k.a. "TMI")

Throwing Things - Ned's Atomic Dustbin (mp3)
21 Things I Want in a Lover - Alanis Morrissette (mp3)

Facebook has this virus going around where people are composing "25 random facts not everyone knows about me" and then sending them around to an assortment of their "Friends." While I dodged this virus for a few days, I ended up being so goaded by certain pals (and given great suggestions for the list!) that I ended up putting one together. Seemed like a damn good post for a lazy Sunday.

My goal -- and I think I managed it -- was to be amusing and honest, yet also make sure I wrote nothing that could get me fired.

(I have 26 because, gosh darn it, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and people like me.)

1. I smile -- without a hint of irony -- everytime I hear "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves.

2. The only two times in my life I tried smoking an entire cigarette, I puked. (Apparently I thought the first time might have been a fluke.)

3. I enjoy watching "Kim Possible" with my daughters.

4. I'm so jealous of his skills as a writer, I would have Richard Russo's babies. If I could have babies. And if he would take me as his bride. And love me, truly love me, for more than just my looks.

5. Feet? Don't like 'em. Don't find 'em attractive or appealing. Everything below the ankle is pretty icky.

6. Facebook status updates are little rays of sunshine in my life. The more they raise my eyebrow, the happier they make me.

7. Olivia Newton-John was, is, and might well always be my biggest celebrity crush.

8. In third grade, a neighborhood friend and I, on several occasions, played a game where we tossed actual darts at one another.

9. World Class Chocolate. Gold Medal Ribbon. Cherry Garcia. Nothing else counts.

10. If you're underage on the beach and drinking beer, and a police officer asks you what you're drinking, don't tell him "Mello Yello." They don't like that.

11. I once ran around an outdoor basketball court covered in toilet paper that was on fire.

12. I've only locked my keys in the car three times. All three times, the engine was running.

13. Over Easter Break 1991, I adopted a dead jellyfish as a pet. I named him George. He smelled really bad. George was not nearly as successful for impressing the ladies as Drakkar Noir.

14. Cereal is the best dessert. Particularly Boo-Berry or Crispix.

15. Every girl I ever dated but one (no, the list isn't terribly long) went out with at least one other friend of mine after we broke up.

16. I once hooked up with a girl inside a pitch-black tunnel, except when we emerged into the light, it was a different girl than the one with whom I thought I was hooking up. "Awkward Turtle!"

17. UNC's Chancellor sent me a personal note saying my columns made his day brighter.

18. Living in Warner Robins, Ga., made me appreciate every other place on this planet just a little bit more.

19. When I asked Jenni to marry me, I went into her bookstore in the mall dressed like Barney. By the time I entered the bookstore, I had a small army of children trailing me. It kinda freaked 'em out when I got on one knee. Apparently dinosaur-human intimacy made them uncomfortable.

20. I once commandeered a security guard's golf cart while camping out for Dook tickets at the Dean Dome. We returned it. Eventually.

21. Me, on stage at Cat's Meow on Bourbon Street, the mic in one hand and a Hand Grenade in the other, singing my heart out to some crap like "Little Red Corvette": That's my idea of true (if temporary) bliss.

22. I have become incredibly lactose intolerant in the last five years, and this single change in me has made me a more bitter and angry human being. (See #s 9, 14)

23. When I was 10, I stopped on my bike so quickly that I fell forward and my crotch rolled through the frame's front wheel fork, requiring stitches so close to my personal bits that not even Kim Catrall has had a Brazilian Wax job this personal. I think all relationship problems I've ever had can be traced back to this traumatic moment.

24. I dressed as a woman for Halloween in 1991, and when my girlfriend saw me and realized who it was, she threw up violently. We broke up a week later. But we're still friends!!

25. Nothing in my life is guaranteed to make me more consistently happy than the feeling of two excited daughters rushing to hug their daddy when he comes home from work.

26. I've spent half my life trying to prove Ronald McDonald is the Anti-Christ.