"There Are Two Kinds of People In the World"

Two Points for Honesty - Guster (mp3)
Not That Funny - Fleetwood Mac (mp3)

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who lump all of humanity into two kinds of people, and those who don't. (Nope. I didn't make that up. It's entirely unoriginal, but I don't know who originated it.) I'm more the latter than the former, but I figured I'd waste a day drumming together some good ones just for the hell of it. Seemed like a good light-hearted option after all that education mumbo jumbo.

There are Two Kinds of People in the World:

• Those who tear out all magazine inserts before reading a single page, and those who don't
• Those who crumple their TP and those who fold it
• Those who use straws in nice restaurants and those who don't
  
• Those who prefer stick and those who like it automatic
• Those who like Hanson and those who wish they'd die bathing in hydrochloric acid
  
• Those who like a Bon Jovi song and those who deny it
• Those who eat sushi and those who call it "soochee"
• Those who believe the hype, and those who don't
• Those who Tom, and those who Jerry
  

And finally, the coup de grace: Those who drive away from the gas station with the pump still in their tank, and those who haven't. Yet.

Yes, as of December 31, 2008, at roughly 4:45 p.m., while stopping off of I-40 outside of Knoxville to get gas, I joined the Dumbass Drives Off With Pump In Tank Club.

I put the pump in. I went in and got some mints and Mountain Dew Code Red. I paid. The dude wished me a Happy New Year. I made some silly remark about how I hope I have so much fun I can't remember it. I walked back to the car. I put the soda in its lovely holder and the mints in the passenger seat, started the car and started to drive away to the sounds of Kelly Willis. Then... CHKKKUNNK!

I knew what I'd done instantly. I said a bad word. The world moved in slow motion. I looked around at the various witnesses. One studly male in his late 20s driving a Land Rover, trying not to chuckle. A completely unattractive mother with strawberry blonde hair, working to put her infant back into the carseat, looking up in panic to make sure terrorists hadn't attacked. And the attendant inside, looking out the window, just beginning to shake his head in that "Oh shit here we go again" kind of way.

When I got out of the car, Land Rover Dude chuckled and said, "Would you believe you're not the first person I've ever seen do that?"

I think he was trying to comfort me... in the same kind of way one of the super-attractive stud brothers at the Sigma Chi house might have tried comforting me after some really hot Alpha Chi sophomore threw beer on my freshman face after I tried dancing with her. (Not that the latter actually happened. I don't think.)

The attendant, the same genial greasy-lookin' fella who had wished me a Happy New Year! mere minutes before, now looked at me as if I were the bastard son of Joan Rivers and Gomer Pyle, but he was doing it in as kind a way as he could muster. He was already on the phone with the manager. "I don't usually work at this one. I'm just fillin' in for the dude who's sick."

I left my name and contact information. No, I left my real name, and my real contact information. He said they'd be in touch if the repair went beyond the simple fix or wasn't covered by whatever insurance they had. Considering I hadn't done any Jack Bauer-esque destruction of the entire friggin' pump, and considering that Land Rover Dude has a penchant for witnessing these moronic moments, I figured the odds were pretty good that gas stations are prepared for this.

It's been a week. No one has called. I might be in the clear.

But there's two kinds of people in the world: those who get the bad calls when they least expect it, and those who keep waiting for the bad calls that never come. In this situation, I'll go for option #2.

Please feel free to pass along your favorites -- or make up some new ones -- in the comment section.

Charts stolen from the amusing GraphJam.com. Guster's song is from their album Lost and Gone Forever. "Not That Funny" is from Tusk. Both can be found at iTunes or Amazon.com's mp3 site.