Talking to Girls About Lawsuits

Right on Track - Breakfast Club (mp3)

Bottom of the Glass is going to sue Rob Sheffield. We're gonna take that sucker for every penny he's got and every penny he ever dreams about earning. We're gonna take the shoes off his feet, and the socks are coming with 'em, unless he's the kind of wild leftist that only wears Birkenstocks or some other kind of Jesus sandal.

Based on a hearty recommendation from loyal follower Troutking, I bought Mr. Sheffield's collection of essays, Talking to Girls About Duran Duran. Hilarious book. I love it. Except for this one little detail.

Y'see, dear readers, the organization of these chapters follow a very familiar pattern. Every chapter leads off and is inspired by a song. Except the chapters don't always obsessively investigate the history of the song or the band. Rather, the song tends to be merely the jumping-off point for Mr. Sheffield to fall into a reverie of past memories, particularly from his teenage years. Reminiscences about his family, or his awkward social life, or his troubles with religion.

Any of this sounding familiar, dear loyal readers?

Yes, of course it does. This has been The Great BOTG Formula for, like, 90% of our blog entries since we started this damn thing back in 2008, which is precisely two years before this loser put out his book.

Now, for the sake of argument, let's ignore a few things. Let's ignore that songs inspiring essays isn't a notion we invented. Let's ignore that Mr. Sheffield is a writer for Rolling Stone and has written several books that intertwine his love of music and his personal life. Let's ignore the fact that BOTG has been cited and warned for DMCA violations on any number of occasions.

Instead, let's simply focus on this: If we sue, even if we lose, we might get lots of publicity, be invited on talk shows, or even get hired to move beyond Chattanooga and into the greater world of opportunity. We even have a chance to be, like, the James Carville and Mary Matalin of rock music. Or something.

So we're gonna sue that loser's ass off. We'll probably aim for $4M, just because that sounds like the kind of amount journalists make, especially journalists who cover the music scene. Those dudes are loaded. Anyone who's watched Almost Famous knows Lester Bangs was swimming in money. There's that one scene where Lester Bangs is rolling around on a bed with Demi Moore in Vegas. Remember that? And then Robert Redford pays him another pile of cash to sleep with her?

Oh yeah, $4M is totally the right amount.

To make this work, we need the help of our readers. I need you to go out right now and buy a copy of this guy’s book. I promise you, it’s pretty fucking hilarious, and if you have any love of the ‘80s, New Wave music or just cheesy syntho-laden ‘80s music, and if you love nerdy awkward socially-challenged men -- and seriously, what loyal readers of BOTG don’t?? Or aren’t?? -- then this book will be read cover to cover, probably several times.

I’ve already read the chapter on Hall & Oates twice, and I guffawed both times. Chapters on A Flock of Seagulls, Paul McCartney, The Replacements, Bonnie Tyler, and even the New Kids on the Block.... these are just a sampling, and you really never know where Mr. Sheffield is gonna go with it. It's like hopping on a ride called "Tunnel of Love" and thinking you know what's gonna happen just 'cuz you've listened to Bruce sing about it.

Anyway, if all of you buy his book, he makes more money. And the more money Mr. Sheffield makes, the more publicity and attention we get when we sue that bastard for every last red cent he’s ever imagined possessing. You might even enjoy the book. And then, when Mr. Sheffield is penniless and destitute and a sad hollow shell of the man he is at the moment, you can write him nice sweet notes about how sad you are that he could write such funny stuff yet be poor and lonely.

God we're brilliant.