A Small Window for Kinky Sex

The Kinks--"A Well-Respected Man" (mp3)
Fleetwood Mac--"Oh Well" (mp3)

It's a Friday afternoon a few weeks ago. I'm in my office, trying to wind down the week. The door opens amid a lot of passing traffic in the hall outside. One of my regular visitors enters, a guy whose company I often enjoy, but who has the unusual habit of assuming that his listener is fully up to speed concerning whatever it is he is about to deliver a monologue about and there for launches right in without context:

"Well," he says, unloading his backpack onto a chair and taking a seat right by the door where the headmaster's secretary can hear everything that is said from that position, "This evening is probably my best opportunity for kinky sex for at least the next three months. None of the children are home. We have no obligations. A few Jack and Cokes for me, and if I can get a couple of margaritas in her, then tonight will be the perfect time for kinky sex. I think I can push her a little farther than she's used to going. Now, here's the problem: I texted her about it and her response was that she thinks we need to go see this little boy that we've been helping through our church play baseball. That text message, that was like pouring a bucket of cold water over me. I mean, we're going up to __________'s graduation, and we'll have romantic sex up there, but tonight is our only chance for kinky sex. I'm hoping she'll text back with something else. I'm hoping that maybe if we get home and have a drink or two and she realizes we have the house all to ourselves, then maybe she'll change her mind about the game and we'll have kinky sex."

First, a definition from Merriam-Webster:

kinky

Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): kink·i·er; kink·i·est
Date: 1844

1: closely twisted or curled

2: relating to, having, or appealing to unconventional tastes especially in sex ; also : sexually deviant

3: outlandish, far-out

OK, so back to that whole context thing I mentioned above, as in, if you were like me, you were getting ready to go home, if you had been passively listening, as I was, then you are bound to have some questions :

a. first and foremost, can the Penguins win Game 7 in Detroit?

b. is "kinky sex" better left as an abstract concept, or should an inquiring mind arm itself with a list of specific, example behaviors? (BTW, I'm staying in the abstract; if I start Googling "kinky sex" here in the office where I'm slaving away on this blog, I'm sure there are some kind of red lights that will start flashing down in the Tech Office, similar to the ones on the back of my house that go off when the sewer backs up. At the very least, a call across the room, "Everyone, interface with Bob's computer now!"

c. why do ______'s eyes kind of squint up when he says, "Kinky sex?"

d. why, if you know someone and you know his wife and he continually utters the phrase "kinky sex," does your brain search for a companion visual? why? why? why?

e. does that scene where Maria Bello wears the cheerleading uniform in The History Of Violence count as "kinky sex?" what are the chances your brain will let you substitute that for the visual mentioned in the previous question?

f. why does _____ feel the need to insert the term "keenkysex" so often into the conversation?

g. why, oh why, _________, are you telling me this? Usually, you come in and talk about what's going on in your church and that kind of thing.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that conservative Christians are a lot more intentional about their sex than the rest of us. Admittedly, I'm not basing that on much--1) a "kinky sex" monologue in my office from a guy whom I usually think is witnessing to me, 2) a realization that I've never pondered the sexual possibilities of the next three months in toto, and 3) my knowledge of Creative Counterparts, probably the most significant book to bring issues of sexuality into frank discussion in a Christian marriage and to argue for a woman's submissiveness to her husband. And also the fact that the "campaign," if you will, that this guy has mapped out clearly extends months, if not years, into the future. I think he was only revealing to me the current battle. If so, more power to him, I guess, but I just wish I didn't know.

Of course, for all I know, maybe the kink was getting me to listen and, therefore, somehow, be in on it.

UPDATE: I did receive a text from him later that evening, letting me know that not only was he at the baseball game, but also that he had had to pay 6 bucks to get in, and that the boy didn't even get any hits. Clearly, that put a kink in his plans.