Not. Gay. Chicken.

Alejandro Escovedo--"Faith" (mp3)
Alejandro Escovedo--"Street Songs" (mp3)

Et tu, Chick-Fil-A? Anti-gay? Are you really going to put me in a moral bind with your most tasty sandwich of lightly-fried moist and turgid chicken, buttered buns, and slices of assertive dill pickle hanging in the balance? Must I abandon your crisp on the outside, soft in the middle waffle fries that don't even need ketchup in favor of some limp, Burger King fries? Am I really going to have to choose between my beliefs and what is arguably the finest fast food chain out there on America's highways?

The New York Times is illuminating the story of your chain's support of an anti-gay, pro-marriage (are the two really in opposition?) rally in Pennsylvania.

That just is not fair. Not when your workers are so friendly and efficient, never having screwed up my order in all of the years of driving through. Not when you are the only chain with Polynesian sauce on those rare occasions when I stray from Combo #1 and go with a box of nuggets instead. Not when your lemonade tastes closer to the real thing than anyone else's. Not when your bathrooms are clean and there are sweet Christian toys in your kids' meals. That is simply not fair.

Why are the best things in life homophobic?

I already gave up Coors Light because of their right-wing travesties. Now I'm drinking beer of questionable (meaning: unknown) character, though its main brewery is located in the same state as the offending Chick-Fil-A outlet. How far must my sacrifice extend? Do you know how hard it is to find someone who actually knows how to fry food, let alone an entire chain that can do it?

I mean, why couldn't McDonald's be anti-gay? Who could possibly find himself in a conundrum over those sad little grey meat patties? Take 'em, I'd say, I repent. Just let me sneak an occasional Egg McMuffin when I'm feeling disgusted about myself. Or, better yet, why not Taco Bell? Those bottom-feeders could bash gays all they wanted to and that wouldn't impact me one single bit. I like a bit more actual beef in my taco than what Taco Bell is apparently offering these days, thank you very much.

That Taco Bell slogan is homophobic, anyway. "Think Outside The Buns?" Really? You think that's subtle? Not to me, sandwich lady. Why don't you just be men and come out and declare yourselves as opposed to alternative lifestyles instead of hiding behind cute little double-entendres?

Not that I like the laissez-faire, decline-of-civilization ethos of the Burger King slogan, either. "Have It Your Way?" That lets everybody out of the closet. That offers societal carte blanche for anyone to do anything with whomever they'd like, whenever and wherever. Geez. That puts the French in french fries.

Of course, if you really wanted to press the issue, Chick-Fil-A's own slogan, "Eat Mor Chikin" in the context of how Robert DeNiro refers to Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver could even be see, by some skewed person, not me, as coded language for a pro-marriage agenda.

Alas, first Target and now Chick-Fil-A. What is it with these well-run companies and their attractive stores and their tawdry political affiliations? They suck me in with their tidy outposts, quality products, national consistency, and great service and then sucker punch me with their restrictive political donations. (Hmmm, both have red-and-white logos....) You'd think that the great business minds and models of this country, outside of anything computer-related, were all a bunch of social and religious conservatives.

Well, you know what the pro-gay crowd is going to do (argue for boycott) and you know what the anti-gay chicken crowd (we support marriage between a man and wife) is going to do, so all of that is obvious. I guess you're wondering what I'm going to do? Will Bob stick to his morals and boycott Chick-Fil-A and all of its fine offerings or will he cave and eat anti-gay chicken?

Sorry to disappoint you moralists, but I'm going to eat the chicken. Here's why: for those of us who are consumers, with or without a heart, there are simply too many causes tied to what we do everyday without thinking that we can't keep up. I'm sorry. I'm pro-gay; I see nothing wrong with two men or two women getting married and, especially, adopting a child who would otherwise not have a home. I know that these couples would give give such a child a good home.

But, and this is a big but, not a trivial but, I'm also going to eat the chicken sandwich that I want to eat because it is by far the best thing out there, especially on a long drive between here and there. I am perfectly willing to support people and causes, but I can't, as ordinary average Joe American, be expected to keep up with every cause tied to every product that I buy. That is simply too much of a burden. I want things to be better in this country, but I also have to eat on the road. You've got to cut me some slack on that one.

Not sure whether or not the Escovedo songs above have anything at all to do with this post. I'm posting them in honor of having seen him in concert last night, even though he personally called me out for having requested one of his songs out loud. This issue will be explored in a future blog, Mr. Escovedo. If this post ties to you to either the anti-gay chicken sandwich or the pro-gay boycott of said chicken sandwich and impacts the number of people who listen to you, tough beans, buddy.