Partly Cloudy with a 20% Chance of Nooky

Penny on the Train Track - Ben Kweller (mp3)
London Rain - Heather Nova (mp3)

Would life be better or worse if you could get forecasts of your sex life like we currently do with the weather?

The other day at lunch, a group of us were discussing another coworker. This is not an unusual event, but we pretend it is.

Anyway, the coworker in question has been going through tough times. She’s always been awkward and anti-social, and everyone knows her home life is dysfunctional on a Roseanne Barr kind of level.

One of my coworkers, as we were picking up our plates, said, “Two things would make that woman’s life so much easier: more tears, and more orgasms.” She seemed to think that this woman wasn’t getting enough of either. By a long shot.

For some reason this comment sent me into one of those Simon daydreams with his magic chalk. Tears and orgasms made me think of rain. Which made me think about the notion of a Sex Forecaster.

Think of it. You get up in the morning, turn on the TV, and check into The Sex Weather Channel...

CANDACE (in the studio): And now, for the men’s sex forecast for the week, here’s Tom in Palm Springs.

TOM (standing on windy shore with raincoat hood pulled over head): Thanks, Candace. This week could be all over the place, heh heh, and I’m not talking about how Nuke LaLouche pitches! Heh heh... heh heh... oh nevermind.

Anyway, today and tomorrow are mostly cloudy with a 20-percent chance of sex with winds up to 5-10 mph. Not enough of a gust to get to full BJ strength, but perhaps some light kissing and even a hand rubbing on the thigh while you continue ignoring her and staring at Monday Night Football. Tuesday is looking much calmer, with clear skies and mild temperatures. No fighting, but also minimal cuddling.

The second half of the week will see a cold front come into the relationship, with some fighting about what the children are eating at school for lunch and whether they’re doing enough around the house for their age, and also because you’ll make a snide remark about the lack of sex that comes off much harsher than you intended, and even though you aplogize for being an asshole, it won’t help. Temperatures could get below freezing in the evening hours several nights running.

By the weekend, things should warm back up. You’ll eat some crow and offer to let her go out to a movie with her pals on Friday night while you watch the children, which will result in an unusually balmy temperature headed into the early hours on Saturday morning. Chances of sex hits 80-percent, but it’s possible the sex will hold off until morning rather than sex upon her return from the movie, as her night also has a 40 percent chance of intoxication.

By Saturday afternoon, the sex will have come and gone, and the skies will clear back out for the remainder of the weekend. Very little chance of a second sex front pushing through on Saturday or Sunday, although enough wind could build up in the evening hours for a decent BJ. Don’t go expecting it, though, especially if you’ve been married for more than a couple of years.

That’s this week’s sex forecast for men, Candace. Are you crying and orgasming enough to be sufficiently happy of late?

CANDACE: Awww, thanks for asking Tom. In fact, I’ve cried twice today and had a small self-stimulated orgasm while you were talking, so yes, I’m managing just fine. My husband gets back home tomorrow night, so my Tuesday is looking very, very hot. Heatwave hot, Tom. Heat the likes of which you’ve never dreamed.

We’ll be right back to the studio after “Sex on the 9s.”