Why People Don't Have Dinner Parties

Velvet Underground and Nico--"All Tomorrow's Parties" (mp3)

Kathy doesn't eat red meat anymore. She's heard it's bad for you. She dropped it cold turkey. Or, better put, she's dropped it for cold turkey.

Steve pretty much only eats red meat. He heard the same things, but figures that with all of the exercising and working out he does, it won't affect him. There's nothing, he says, better than a good cheeseburger.

Geoff no longer thinks of specific foods, only food types. He is totally into protein--meat, chicken, fish, nuts, tofu, cheese, you name it. He tries to avoid carbs to help him get/keep his weight down. Piles of bacon, bowls of peanuts feel like shrines to him. Personal shrines.

Sandy is a diabetic. Can't have anything with sugar and can't have anything with a lot of simple carbohydrates because those will quickly convert to sugar. Suspicious of barbecue sauces and salad dressings and runs for cover when the dessert comes out.

Joe is a picky eater--he only likes chicken fingers and other chicken dishes and chips of all kinds, especially tortilla chips. But probably not with salsa. At least not any kind of funky salsa. Like hot. Or peach. Or with beans or corn in it. Or that green stuff.

Yolanda has an averse reaction to cilantro. A certain percentage of the population does.

Linda is suffering from Crohn's disease and can't really eat salad or anything with a lot of fiber in it. Garlic is rough on her. And onions. And anything spicy.

Bill's dad is still mad at the Japanese from World War II and won't eat anything Asian. Of course, despite having no particular baggage from these other cultures, he won't eat anything Mexican or Spanish either.

Carl doesn't like to eat much when he's drinking.

Susan is on a diet. A new diet. A diet she doesn't like to talk about because she doesn't like for anyone to know that she is dieting, though they all do. They just don't know which one this time.

Tommy hasn't gotten out of the South much, and has no interest in developing a "world palate."

Margot is a suspicious eater. She does not trust her eyes. She will lean in close, examine, and ask, "What's this?" before moving on to the next platter. Tell her what it is, and she will respond, "What's in it?"

Brad is lactose-intolerant. Roy is allergic to shellfish. Kevin can't be around nuts or his throat might swell.

Kara has been reading about ground beef. She does not like what she reads--different sources from different countries, chemicals, diseases. A bowl of chili? No thanks.

Stewart has gone organic. Ellie is still in her vegan phase. Chas calls himself "vegetarian," though he isn't particularly fond of vegetables.

Mary gets irritable if her blood sugar gets too low, so she either has to eat as soon as she arrives, or else pre-eat. Once, when the food wasn't ready fast enough, she and her husband left and went to a restaurant to eat and then came back for dessert.

As someone who likes to cook, I find these circumstances of the modern world to be amusing, not frustrating, challenges, not deal-breakers. But I could also see how they might just shut you down. If you were thinking of having a party.

Names have been changed to protect the hypothetical.