Adult Anger

Loggins and Messina--"Angry Eyes" (mp3)
Television Personalities--"This Angry Silence" (mp3)

This afternoon, I watched a boss get mad at his secretary for something that she was supposed to do but didn't. He found out that she hadn't done it when, in a meeting, one of us asked innocently, "Hey, what time is that tomorrow?" As we all looked at each other, it became apparent that none of us knew about the planned interview. And then I could see it in his eyes, and I could see it in the tightness of the muscles in his face.

He stood up. His secretary (excuse me, administrative assistant) has an office right outside of where we were meeting. He opened the door and leaned out and spoke to her quietly so that we could not hear. We could hear her offer and excuse, something about waiting to hear back from the interview candidate. He told her in an even voice that the interview had been planned since last week.

He came back in, holding the sheet that had the interview information on it. He walked over to the copy machine, that copy machine that, in action, can seem like a large lumbering beast, but when considered in terms of its components, especially the connection between the base of the copier and its lid, can seem as fragile as a cheap child's toy.

Sometimes, when you wait for things to get slammed, when you expect for them to get slammed, it is worse when they are not slammed.

He put the paper into the machine, closed the lid normally, then lifted it back up, stood there for a moment or two looking at none of us, squeezing his lips together in a strained straight line, put the paper back in and made the copies.

After that, we resumed, and, except for his occasional comment that he'd "have to do _____ himself in order to make sure it gets done," the tenor of the meeting resumed its normal tone.

Had he mastered his anger? Was there a future blowout looming? I'm not sure. Probably, one way or the other.

What I do know is how difficult it is for adults to be allowed to get out the anger they feel inside. In most settings, getting too angry is seen as a sign of weakness. It is okay to show mild irritation, to speak sternly, make your point, and be done with it, but if you can't let something go, can't get past it, that seems to be the kind of thing that might stand in the way of a promotion or a successful relationship. Unless, of course, you are a coach or the driver of an automobile (or have already risen to the job you want).

I don't know if I'm a believer in the "displaced aggression" theory of anger--not the guys smashing the copy machine in Office Space, but the taking out of your anger on a punching bag or a squash opponent. Isn't anger specific? Punch all the bags, break all the copiers you want, work up a good sweat, even get some endorphins going, but the fact remains that when you walk into your office in the morning and see your secretary, you'll still going to remember that she screwed up and the emotions that went with that, aren't you?

I'm of two minds here. I don't get angry very often. I mean, I really don't. I'm much more likely to be amused or to take an ironic outlook about a situation than to actually get mad about it. At the same time, I do see some real value in being able to get extremely angry and to try to purge that emotion altogether, if for no other reason than to avoid keeping something internally that will undoubtedly wreak havoc on the person who can't get rid of it.

But I also know that most times when I see someone get extremely angry, I am forced to be of two other kinds of minds. More often than not, I end up having to help the person who found him or herself getting so angry justify his or her behavior. But I'll also find myself commiserating with the person who had to bear the brunt of the anger. Like the rest of us, I've been in that situation and I remember how it felt and how much I didn't like it.

To me, most adults who get extremely angry over an everyday matter look quite silly. Realizing fully that there are some issues that can't be talked through and resolved calmly and rationally, I also realize how few and far between those situations are.

Ultimately, adult anger is a weapon, and most of the times when it is used, the other person is either ambushed or unarmed.

The idea for this post led me back to a great Loggins and Messina song. You can purchase it, as I did, at amazon.com.