Yes, He's a Dick.

Blackjack - Everclear (mp3) *
Mean Mr. Mustard - Beatles (mp3)

To use our President's favorite words, Let me be clear: Dick Cheney is a dick.

Detesting Dick Cheney doesn't require the slightest bit of political bias. In fact, it has almost no basis whatsoever in politics. I don't like HIM. As a person.


"In the fight against terrorism, there is no middle ground, and half-measures leave you half-exposed...Triangulation is a political strategy, not a national security strategy... There is never a good time to compromise when [the lives of the American people] hang in the balance." -- former Vice President Dick Cheney

First of all, when commenting as a semi-liberal, I'm all in favor of Dick Cheney and his big mouth. Politically speaking, I want Dick out there. I want Dick to remain as the purple shiny head of Republicans on television sets, in newspapers, on the web. I want Dick everywhere Dick can go. I want Dick to grow in presence and confidence. I want Dick on the lips of all right-wingers everywhere. The far right might oppose gay marriage, but they sure do love Dick. And the liberal in me loves them for doing so.

Every day he keeps flappin' his yap, the country is reminded why we voted for someone else, and we're reminded of just how scheme-driven and stealth-lovin' these guys were for a long time.

However.

The other part of me is the part that wants America to survive and advance. I want our leaders to disagree but work together. I want compromises and debates and a genuine bipartisan search for progress and long-lasting sustainable growth. I want "sustainable growth" to symbolize something greater than money. I want it to encompass who we are as a society, what we value, how we prioritize. I want America to thrive across multiple dimensions.

That part of me despises Dick Cheney with a seething, bubbling kind of disgust that rarely works its way through my veins, and I just want the bastard to go away and leave us alone.

Dick Cheney is the ultimate non-negotiator. Dick is the kind of parent who asks you for your thoughts and then rolls his eyes or completely stops paying attention when you talk. Dick is the teacher who only gives you an A+ when you spout out verbatim the same shit he's been spewing, because creativity is for pussies. Dick Cheney is the football coach who thinks a practice that fails to get boys puking or passing out must have been a bad practice.

Do you remember the less-than-good but wonderfully guilty pleasure film Varsity Blues? Do you remember Jon Voigt's role as the megalomaniacal coach willing to do anything to win? Yeah, that's Cheney. Lie, cheat, fib, confuse, misdirect, misrepresent. Do whatever it takes, and at any cost, to win.

Dick Cheney is a bad person. Worse yet, he's just flat-out dangerous, because he's the moron who believes there's only one way -- his way -- to skin a cat, to climb a mountain, to get to the other side. Even conservative columnist David Brooks thinks so. (Brooks also takes the time to gig liberals by reminding them that, so far, Obama's foreign policy is only a hair's breadth kinder or gentler than Bush's.)

Maybe Cheney's defenders like assholes. Maybe Republicans want Grandpa Simpson with a shotgun running the country. Maybe they want Archie Bunker -- except with less heart -- making decisions that will shape the future for our children. Or, maybe his defenders would say I'm only paying attention to the Public Dick. That Private Dick is actually sweet, loving, caring, humble, gracious, and generous. That Public Dick is playing a role no one else has the balls to play.

I can't do anything about the former. If you like angry bitter paranoid spiteful men running things, ain't nothing I can say to you. But the latter... well, I think that's a crappy logic. As the well-quoted Jesus Christ says, "Even sinners love those who love them," so Dick being a swell guy with his family hardly impresses me.

Further, why was it unpatriotic and supporting the terrorists to question our government's decisions in 2004, but in 2009, if your name is Dick Cheney, it's perfectly OK to speak up in opposition to the President's direction? Five years ago, doing so was tantamount to bankrolling Al Qaeda. Now, apparently, it's safe enough in America for Dick to say stuff. Maybe he thinks he protected us well enough that dissent is now less dangerous.

If any conservatives have read this far, I want to repeat that politics has virtually nada to do with this. Were Dick a lib'ral, it's possible some of my anger would be replaced by a more-powerful shame, but the emotional negativity he would dredge up in my bowels wouldn't decrease. Just ask me what I think of Pelosi some time.

So, Dick, for the good of the country, would you please go ahead and put a sock in it? If it makes you more comfortable, you can attach some electrodes to that sock and stick it over your privates. But putting it in your mouth would be fine, too.

I'm guilty of committing song repetition on BOTG for the first time ever, but dammit, the Everclear song is just perfect for ol' Dick. My apologies to the repetition, and I'll try not to do it again for at least another year.