Why Can't Black People Drive?

Lil' Wayne--"Mrs. Officer (K!NG POP refix) (mp3)
Nelly (featuring Cedric The Entertainer)--"Ride Wit Me" (mp3)

Why can’t black people drive well? I mean, I’m a live and let live kind of guy, the kind of guy who waves to the neighbors, thanks the guy who bags my groceries, knows the mailman by name, gives out candy to anyone who knocks on my door on Halloween. But I also drive a lot, and all over the city, and the more I drive, the more I realize that black people really do not drive very well.

You hate to group a whole bunch of people together and draw conclusions about them, but the more you drive, the more I think you’ll agree that the facts are there.

I have three theories:

1. The obvious. Let’s face it. If you have bass amps pounding in the back of your car, so loud that they rattle the car next to you, it must be really, really hard to think straight. Or drive well. I mean, when I crank up Boston’s “Long Time” while I’m driving to work, I get really caught up in that guitar and I start shouting the lyrics, and, I admit, I kind of lose control of myself. So when you’ve got one of those boom cars, I’ll bet you can barely keep it on the road. Plus, all that bass probably loosens the bolts and fittings on the car and keeps it from driving so well.

2. Carelessness. I mean, a car should be a source of pride, and if you're proud of something, you should take care of it. A car that isn't running right, that isn't clean, that is kind of old and hard to get parts for, well, that just screams carelessness to me, as in "couldn't care less." Appearance matters. You play like you practice. You drive like you look. You're car doesn't look right, I'm not sure you can drive right. And you don't need all that extra stuff on there--lights, rims, spinners--those kinds of things can either wear out your battery or cause you to buy tires that aren't that safe in the rain.

3. They’re like my wife. I don’t know what quirk my wife has, but she doesn’t see very well at night. In fact, it’s kind of scary to ride with her. Realistically, she shouldn't even be on the road at night. I think black people must have a similar problem, because they don’t seem to drive very well at night either. You always see them getting pulled over, especially at night. Of course, you always see them getting pulled over during the day, too. So who knows?

Now, I don’t know about your city, but here in Chattanooga, I thank God for our police department. They are everywhere, keeping our streets safe and pretty clear of bad drivers. What I can't understand, logistically, is how they do it. I mean, black people are driving all over the place and driving badly. How do the police keep up? Somehow, they do. Broken headlight or taillight? They're on it. Suspicious looking car? They're on it. Loud music blasting from the car? They're on it. Car that looks like it might be driven by black people, and therefore, a potential danger. They're on it. Black people out driving at night (when they are most dangerous!). They're on it.

I guess what I like the most about living here is that I'm pretty sure that the police can tell from the kind of car that I drive and everything that I'm a pretty good driver and they don't have to bother with me. It's the training, probably. But, for me, it means that I don't have to waste a lot of time worrying about getting pulled over and having to sit there. Heck, they can probably already tell when they see me drive by that I'm the kind of guy who doesn't have to have his name run through a computer to see if he has a record or any of that. I get to just be on my way. I like the police, and I like that they leave me alone. That keeps them free to focus on the people who should be off the road. And that makes this a good city to live in, for a guy like me.

Lil' Wayne and Nelly are both availabe at Itunes.