Whip Me Beat Me Call Me Your B**ch!

Wounded - Third Eye Blind (mp3)
Beat on the Brat - Ramones (mp3)

In vino veritas.

"In wine, truth."

When we drink to excess, sometimes we're not wise enough to keep from saying stuff we probably shouldn't say. And here's basically what I sat at a bar tonight and told two very die-hard Cubs fans: "Die-hard Cubs fans are worse than abused spouses."

Now that I've had a few hours to contemplate my statement... well, I'm not remotely ashamed of it. In fact, I'm pretty proud.

Here we are, as a society, judging Rihanna for going back to that dillweed Chris Brown, who beat the crap out of her for God-knows-what and God-knows-why, and we stand around our water coolers discussing how pathetic she is, and how sad her life must be that she would stand by a guy like that. Meanwhile, half of Boston's teens think Rihanna asked for it.

And we should. We should have that conversation. Because something's wrong when a talented, beautiful woman can't break away from a man who disfigures her. If nothing else, it insults and devalues passive and kind geeks like me who go their whole lives without throwing a single punch at anyone, even dudes who really really deserve it (if only they wouldn't punch back).

As pissed off and activated as Oprah might be about this crap, you know who gets even more up in a dander about Rihanna? Geeks. Meek good and decent guys who have limits and live humble decent lives. We get pissed off. Waaaay pissed off. And we should be. It ain't right that the Chris Browns of the world get the girl and the gold while we're off to the side, spitting sand out of our mouths.

Here we are, fighting for every dollar, devoting our lives to whatever meager existence we can eke out and doing our best not to gripe too much about it. We're making ends meet. Getting by. Playing by (most of) the rules.

And then there's Chris Brown. The only reason we know his name, aside from the fact that it's a generic boring terrible name, is that he's had a few hits that some songwriters and producers crafted, to which they've superglued his face. Chris Brown is Heidi Klum with less attractive breasts and a better voice. He's a Simon Cowell-endorsed gigolo.

But then you have these Cubs fans. They might not be all that pissy about what's happened to Rihanna, but if you were to ask their opinion, 99.5% of them would say she's a stupid b*#ch for going back to the guy. And their reaction would make perfect sense, becuase she's a stupid b*#ch for going back to the guy (if indeed she has, which is apparently in question).

But...!

How about you follow up that question to a Cubs fan by asking this: Why are you a Cubs fan?

And just listen to 'em. They'll go on forever with all these great reasons. The tradition. The history. The ballpark. The faithfulness of sitting in those stands, decade after decade, never winning a title, constantly being hapless and hopeless but never giving up hope. Hell, last night, a Cubs fan and frequent reader of this blog made this statement, "Everyone is sick of the Red Sox. They're just like the Yankees now. The Cubs are the only place you'll find the true fans."

The fan who offers these sad excuses is Rihanna, except exponentially more pathetic. They might as well say "I fell down the stairs" or "He swears he loves me and won't ever hit me again."

For more than a century, the Cubs have shit on their fans. The Cubs have beaten their fans about the face, crotch, chest, ribs, arms and legs. Cubs fans have so many bruises and scars on them that it's a wonder they can leave the house without wheelchairs and Hospice nurses. And rational people like me want to feel sorry for them. We want to pity them, because they love the Cubs, and that's kinda pitiful.

But here's what Cubs fans do. They tell you how proud they are. They wear their bruises and scars with pride. They act like they're special because they've been bruised and beaten worse than other fans.

These dudes... they mock Rihanna. Rihanna got beaten ONCE. ONE FUCKING TIME. Chris Brown had a bad moment and unleashed his knuckles in her face for a few minutes. Meanwhile, the Cubs and their owners and managers and players have been punching and kicking and spitting on their fans for more than a century -- more than a century!!! -- and their fans stand firm.

Cubs fans talk about being tried and true like it's something special. Cubs fans don't wonder when to jump ship lest it seem disloyal. Meanwhile, the Florida Marlins have won two World Series and can't sell out half their stadium. Now you tell me, why do the Cubs deserve more loyalty than the Marlins? Why should anyone continue to be loyal to an entity that not only doesn't care about them, but beats them senseless and takes their money without the slightest sense of guilt?

Detroit Lions fans at least know not to be proud of it. They're fans, but they're humbled and ashamed. Their team sucks, and they know it, and they don't go bragging about it like sucking is something special. Cubs fans could learn something from those folks.

And Rihanna, baby? Call me if you want to be treated well by a geeky older guy who wouldn't harm a hair on your head.

(Oh yeah, and, um, I'll introduce you to my wife... and I can't promise that she'll be so nice...)

Both of these songs can be purchased through iTunes or Amazon.com. But Cubs fans probably won't buy them 'cuz they'd rather spend time bragging about how loyal and awesome they are with a steel-tipped cleet grinding around in their jaw.