Office + Porn = YTF?

Rocks - Primal Scream (mp3)
The Shot Heard Round the World - Ween (mp3)

Roughly one-quarter of the workforce watches porn while at work. Porn sites are visited more often during office hours than at any other time of day. These tasty factoids according to an article in the December 8 issue of Newsweek.

Translation: Look at the picture at right. Four of the people depicted regularly or occasionally watch porn while sitting in the vicinity of their coworkers.

As a guy, I can hardly claim an aversion to the naked female form in print, high-rez digital form, or even in a movie. I can't stand up on a soapbox and proclaim porn as the worst thing to ever happen to the human race; however, having made this confession, I gotta say: Porn web sites in the office? Really??

Let's give the painfully practical, non-moral, hard-nosed reason first: Why the f*$k would you set yourself up to get fired like that?!? One out of every four of us put ourselves at risk of being terminated in order to sit in a cubicle or office and see some form or fashion of tatas, nunus, bumbums, and bumping fuzzies.

We're not talking:

• the accidental Google image search that results in, say, a picture of Shaggy having sex with Daphne just 'cuz you searched for pictures of "Daphne" (yes, this really happened to me, with my daughters sitting on my lap); or
• clicking a link that one of your boneheaded doofus friends sent you in an email and stumbling on a porn site or at least something equally and pornographically embarrassing (guilty!) ; or even
• keeping some kind of hidden folder somewhere on your computer that has some emergency nekkid pictures in it (tried it! got paranoid! trashed it!).
  

We are talking the regular or at least occasional choice to visit sites out on the Net that swim in pornography.

The other reason the thought of watching regular porn on the office computer is the thought of someone catching me. Although I haven't completely thought this through, I'm pretty sure I'd rather someone catch me drinking, toking, screwing, or even knitting before I'd want them to catch me jerkin' the gherkin.

As Woody Allen sez, "Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love." However, there are certain kinds of love you just don't want shared with others. Love of specific monitor sizes, for example. Love of a particular brand of pen, or a certain shape of mousepad. But atop that list, as offices go, would be love of self. That, my friends, should always remain between you and... well, yourself. Not because touching yourself makes Jesus cry, and not because it's an awful evil thing to do, but because the workplace is s'posed to be a Tree of Trust, a Cradle of Collegiality, a... aw screw it, just 'cuz.

Yes, I realize that most sane people are probably on the same page with me here. And I also realize that, humans being what we are, many of y'all have, on occasion, succumbed to a primal urge at the most inappropriate or irrational of times. These are the stuff of lifelong memories and laughter, or if someone else was with you, the stuff of Letters to Penthouse. But when you read that 25% -- 25 freakin' percent!! That's not a number that should be casually dismissed! -- of us are guilty of this on a consistent basis, it really just boggles the mind.

The fun part is walking around your office and trying to identify them. Remember: one out of every four...

Next week, I'll be writing on other can't-lose topics, such as why it's not right to run down small defenseless children with 18-wheelers and why killing and eating puppies is evil.

Coming Next Week: My Top 10 Albums of 2008

"Rocks" is from the album Give Out But Don't Give Up but is easily the best song on that thing. "The Shot Heard..." is from the album School House Rock! Rocks, where artists such as Moby, Buffalo Tom, Blind Melon, Moby, Skee-Lo and Ween cover classics from the Saturday morning show and is totally awesome. The first can be found on iTunes or Amazon.com. The second requires eBay or friends like me.